Deputy Principal - Academic

Helping kids deal with loss – by Michael Grose

Helping kids deal with loss, children frequently experience fear and sadness after loss. They fear the future and the unknown that lies ahead, and they feel sad for the loss of a loved one, or situation.

Helping kids deal emotionally with loss is something that all parents experience from time to time. While nothing really prepares kids for the loss of a loved one, helping them cope with the smaller losses such as the death of a pet, does impact on kids when more significant loss occurs.

When loss is sudden and unexpected, there is much less time for kids to adjust. An anticipated death, separation, or move is easier for kids as they have had time to think, mourn and anticipate how they will react. 

For kids, grief has two requirements. 

First, kids need to process the event that led to loss. “Will Daddy ever come back?” “Can I die too?” Second, they need to mourn the loss of the loved one. “I wish grandma was here to read me a story.” Children frequently experience fear and sadness after loss. They fear the future and the unknown that lies ahead, and they feel sad for the loss of a loved one, or situation. Kids grieve in different ways. Adults frequently are grieving the same losses, so assisting kids through difficult circumstances is tremendously challenging. Here are some general guidelines, when children experience significant loss such as the death of someone close to them:

1. Talk about death or loss. Children do not benefit from putting it out of their minds. Invite them to talk about their feelings regarding the event but be guided by their reactions. 

2. Share some of your own feelings and thoughts. Sometimes children act as if they have not heard anything you have said when experiencing loss, but they have. Be prepared to repeat the same information again and again as kids often don’t process information when they are distressed. 

3. Reassure kids that feelings of sadness and helplessness are normal. Knowledge of the grieving process can be reassuring to kids and can provide hope that they will not always feel the way they do.

Dealing with loss is a long process and children usually go through the same stages as adults, but it’s not always a continual process. Kids may be sad and grieving one minute and then later they may play and appear happy and carefree. Some kids act out, develop behaviour problems or withdraw after the death of a loved one. 

At times like these, it’s best to be empathetic and let them know that you feel sad too and sometimes it makes you get angry or lose your patience. If behaviours and emotions are still extreme after six months, it’s probably time to see a professional to help you and your child cope with the loss.