Middle Years: On Bad Friendships

In a previous article I wrote about the nature of true friendships and how true friendships demonstrated a number of characteristics as identified by the Greek philosopher, Aristotle. True friendships have:

• Goodness, as the most important, necessary and fundamental ingredient
• Pleasure, joy in the company of another
• Utility, value as a way of enhancing the goodness of those involved.

Aristotle also said that true friendships are not based on any incidental quality but are based in the strong, noble and enduring character of those involved. True friendship, then, is a state between two or more people, a feeling and an activity which requires wisdom. 

I also talked about how true relationships can come from a range of contexts; from the broader community, from a circle of acquaintances one doesn’t always associate with, or from a group of peers one may associate with out of a sense of utility or for enjoyment (as the sole goal). This is why it is important that students are involved in a range of activities, clubs and opportunities at school because they will develop connections which meet their needs, of course, but may develop into something great. 

Understanding the nature of friendship means that students can be good relationship managers. This is a vital skill for students as they mature. Indeed, managing one's friendships and possessing well-developed skills in relationship management are of the utmost importance. We know that friendships play a vital role in our lives, contributing to our overall well-being and happiness: they provide us with support, companionship, and a sense of belonging. Maintaining healthy and fulfilling friendships requires effort and skill. Effective friendship management involves skills such as empathy, active listening, conflict resolution skills, and understanding appropriate boundaries. By cultivating these skills, individuals can navigate the complexities of relationships, build trust, foster mutual respect, and ultimately enjoy more meaningful and lasting connections with others.  

Learning how to manage friendships equips us with the tools to nurture and sustain relationships, leading to enhanced personal growth and a more fulfilling social life. But learning how to manage friendships also means understanding what ‘bad friendships’ are. I say ‘bad friendships’ rather than enemies because I think the meaning of ‘enemy’ is clear. A ‘bad friendship’ is a relationship which is supposed to be friendly but is based not in the good of each but in power or control of the other. Young people navigating ‘bad friendships’ require an understanding of relational aggression. Relational aggression involves causing harm by undermining or negatively impacting someone else's relationships or social standing. This form of aggression is often subtle, can be premeditated or reactive, and encompasses various behaviors. Here are some common examples drawn from the work of Linda Stade, an educator from Western Australia: 

• Social exclusion, which can be explicit or facilitated through social networking platforms;
• Conditional relationships, where individuals demand certain advantages in exchange for their time, friendship or social status, or threaten retaliation if their demands are not met;
• Spreading gossip and rumours;
• Belittling, encompassing passive-aggressive behaviour, gestures, and veiled humour; 
• The "silent" treatment, characterised by a lack of communication, which can also extend to ignoring or not responding to messages online; and 
• Inconsistent or ‘hot-and-cold’ relationships. 

Considering the pervasive influence of social media, relational aggressive behaviours can occur anytime and anywhere, and to anyone. 

Relational aggression, as a form of bullying, revolves around the dynamics of power and control. It is frequently employed by individuals who perceive a challenge from others within their group, feel insecure in some manner, or aim to manipulate the behaviour of others for their personal gain. It is important to emphasize that relational aggression is not a normal or acceptable aspect of friendships, and it should never be regarded or condoned as such. 

We often describe an unhealthy friendship as "toxic" due to the power imbalance and lack of genuine care, which gradually erode the relationship over time. A toxic friend seeks attention at the expense of others, lacking reciprocity and presenting a performative and superficial façade. They thrive on generating controversy and drama rather than nurturing each other's well-being. Like a secretive goblin, they hoard information to exploit it for their own advantage, employing conditions to amplify their sense of power. These individuals stand in stark contrast to genuine, caring and intimate and true, good friends. 

So, what can students do about relational aggression? How can they be good relational managers? 

Students can draw on adult support at any time and this was a key message for students at a recent Assembly. Sometimes things happen or get too out of control and seeking the support of adults to intervene, mediate and manage relational aggression is necessary and entirely appropriate. Different students will have varying capacities to manage relationships and they will need support differently. It is important to acknowledge this.  

It is also important that students have the time, space and opportunity to manage their relationships for themselves, if this is appropriate to the experience within that relationship. Students might, then, raise their concerns with the other party in an appropriate setting. This might not be mediated but will be a ‘difficult conversation’ in which students can use ‘I-statements’ to explain their feelings, experience and goals for the relationship. 

Students sometimes need to be more direct and forceful, telling the relational aggressor in no uncertain terms that a behaviour needs to stop. Sometimes support will be needed before or after this conversation to ensure the wellbeing of the student and to provide time and space for the other party to reflect and improve their behaviour.  

An important mitigating factor which reduces relational aggression is a variety of friendship groups. Certainly, at Shelford, we encourage students to mix widely and engage with a wide range of peers. This is because such activity develops students’ relational abilities and it is often the mechanism by which true, good friendships are found and formed. Having a wide variety of friends – in school and outside of school – is a valuable strategy for dealing with relational aggression.  

Parents, too, have an important role to play in supporting the relational development of their daughters. According to Linda Stade, parents can provide assistance by facilitating opportunities for their child to engage with a diverse range of individuals outside of their school community. Community sports, religious and cultural education groups serve as excellent examples of such opportunities. Additionally, parents can take an active role in managing and monitoring their child's online activities and ensure they take breaks from their social circle. These breaks are essential for creating time and space for rest and self-reflection, a crucial aspect that has been undermined or eliminated by the influence of social media. Parents can also engage their child in discussion about their child’s relationships and utilise their experience as a relationship manager to assist their child’s reflections on friendship. Note that I said ‘assist’ because it is important that the child has the opportunity to share and then make a genuine plan themselves for managing their relationships. Parents and teachers cannot manage relationships for adolescents, but they can ask what it is our young people want in their relationships and can assist them in achieving it. 

Tristan Hill

Middle Years 7/8 Coordinator