From the Counsellors
Separation anxiety in young people: From anxious to brave
In the previous edition of The Fountain newsletter we spoke about the general rise of young people presenting with anxiety. In this article, we focus on one specific type of anxiety that some young people may experience—separation anxiety.
Separation anxiety refers to the feelings of fear or nervousness a young person may experience when separated, or anticipating being separated, from their primary care giver. Separation anxiety is a natural survival instinct for young people to 'keep safe' by staying close to their primary care giver or important adults.
While feelings of separation anxiety are a natural response to keeping ourselves safe, it can become problematic when the anxiety is preventing young people from participating in circumstances that are safe for them, with safe people, i.e., attending school. Our job as adults is to nurture young people to find their inner brave—and being away from their primary attachment figure counts as brave!
The following article by author and founder of Hey Sigmund, Karen Young, linked here, discusses this topic in more detail and provides helpful information on how to support children with separation anxiety.
Take-home messages from the article:
- Separation anxiety can feel uncomfortable and be distressing for both child and adult, but avoiding separation in a situation where children are safe will only intensify their separation anxiety. Providing children are in the loving care of another adult, there is no need to avoid separation.
- For young people to separate from their primary carer they need two things: one, attachment with another trusted, loving adult; and secondly, a 'felt' sense of you holding onto them, even when you aren’t beside them.
- Keep goodbyes loving, definite and not too lengthy. When your child accepts you aren’t coming back, their brains and bodies let go of the fight or flight response and their body and brain can rest. This is why you will often hear caretakers say, 'They settled straight after you left and had a great day'.
- If separation is the problem, connecting must be the solution. The connection can be with any loving adult, but it needs more than an adult simply being present. The brain is looking for a deep, visceral, felt sense of safety.
- Help your young person connect with other safe adults by showing them that you trust the adult to love and care for the child and keep them safe in your absence.
- Help your young person feel you holding onto them even when you aren’t with them, let them know you’ll be thinking of them and can’t wait to be with them again.
- Validate their feelings, then be their brave.
Taylor Fletcher (Kinder–Year 6) and
Rachel Sylvester (Years 7–12)
SMC Counsellors