Jenny's Chatroom

Q & A Calming Back to School Jitters

Question: My child is moving up a grade in school and is terribly anxious about this change. How can I prepare him to get through this?

Answer: Some children find change very threatening and anxiety producing. First, normalise that for your Child. You could say something like, "I know that sometimes new things can be scary. I feel afraid to try new things too sometimes. Can we talk about what is making you feel that way?"

This will help your child realise that their feelings are okay and that you can help them manage them. If they are able to identify what they are anxious about (perhaps the new teacher, new routine or new classmates), you may be able to find some practical solutions to ease the transition. You could ask your child to show you around, ask to meet the new teacher as soon as they are available, and talk about the new school routines. Work as a team with your child and the school, teaching collaborative skills so as to relieve anxieties.

The bigger picture

Keep in mind the bigger picture: anxiety signals to us that there may be some need for caution. So validate your child’s feelings by reminding them that caution is a good thing and that they should listen to what their heart and body are telling him. But also help them to understand that learning to talk through the things that worry them is a good way of learning to evaluate whether the fears are necessary or not.

Using What if? questions and rehearsing possible responses may help equip your child to take some control over their choices when faced with unsettling changes. For example, you could talk about how a new teacher might not do things the way your child is used to. Ask them, What could you do if this happens? Talking things through in this way may help your child identify the things that they should feel cautious about: new classmates may include some children that will be hard to get along with. How can you help your child learn some skills to cope with that possibility?

Talk it through

Over all, be willing to talk about your child’s fears rather than dismissing them with a hasty, "It will all be fine; don’t worry so much!" Help your child evaluate the worries that "keep them awake at night" and help them to develop a tool kit of coping strategies for dealing with the things that might happen.

And if the thing your child fears really does happen – perhaps, for example, their new best friend decides to play with someone else – validate that loss and help them understand that people change their minds for many reasons and not always because of something you’ve done. Help them to grieve it ("I know that is hard and so disappointing! What a tough break!") before encouraging them to move on.

Wendy Kittlitz is vice-president of counselling and care ministries at Focus on the Family Canada

Remember: We are here to help you and your child to settle into the new school year. Come and talk to us, we’d love to meet you and hear your concerns.

My name is Jenny and I am the Chaplain at Huntingdale Primary School. I have been here now for 11 years and would love to meet with you to listen to any concerns you might have. But also on Monday mornings between 9:00 am and 10:00am we have a Tea and Coffee time for parents to come and meet other mums and dads. If you have little ones that aren’t at school yet, bring them along, because they will certainly find other young friends to play with.